Updated: Sep 1, 2020
This is a bit of a personal one. I’ll try to keep it open and relevant to others, but I can’t promise. Consider it an insight into how a fellow person’s brain works.
Finding calm in yourself, not in others…
To many of you it won’t be a shock to know that I care about my friends and family an awful lot. I’ve been through an awful time recently and every time I think I’m making progress, I seem to fall backwards. The progress I do make never really seems to last.
I often put other people’s happiness and wellbeing much higher on my agenda than my own. I care about other people a lot more than I care about myself. I know I shouldn’t but I do.
So when I tell you that I have been incredibly worried about someone I know, know that it comes from a place in my heart that is as honest as it can be.
I know I shouldn’t worry about them as I do.
I know I they’re not my responsibility.
I know it’s nothing to do with me.
I know all this.
It still doesn’t stop me thinking about them and worrying about them.
This is one of the hardest things for me. It’s beyond tough. It’s borderline painful and miserable. I need to let go. I need to be able to accept that if the person needs me or wants me, they will reach out. My time needs to be focused on me and healing myself; not on someone else and trying to help heal them.
It’s a trap…
Here’s the thing about mental health and people who are struggling. You cannot easily help them until they are ready for help. All you can do is be there for them and continue to reassure them that if they do need you, then you are there.
It’s a double edged sword though. Caring for someone who struggles like this means your mental health starts getting damaged. If you care and worry for them too much; you can begin struggling with anxiety and depression too!
“Do they remember I’m here?”
“What if I miss the call?”
“I wonder if I could be doing more?”
You can’t do anything more. You can’t change the world and how everything fits together. You can’t change their world. All you can do is control your own. You need to be fit and healthy so that if someone turns to you, then you are in a position to help them and be strong for them, rather than being weak.
All you can do is wait and care for yourself and your own well being.
My family and friends have seen this with me. I turned them down over and over again. I didn’t want help until the very end. It was crushing for them to see me in the agony I was in but not be able to do anything until I was ready.
Now I feel like I’m boarding the same boat and am not prepared for it either.
This is why we must all learn to be selfish.
It’s easy to try to help someone else and fix their problems, because they’re not your own. It’s easy to let yourself fall deeper into the rabbit hole of concern.
All My Best Friends are Metal Heads…
Previously, I would have considered myself as having lots of friends. Recently that circle seems to be ever decreasing. I am spending less time with less friends and as such the loneliness is creeping in again. It’s borderline crippling for someone with extrovert tendencies like I do.
I love my friends and I love them for who they are. I don’t want them to every change.
As I’ve said; a lot of the pain I am feeling right now and a lot of where my anxiety and depression is hurting me comes from a feeling of isolation.
I miss people messaging me.
I miss people asking me if I want to do something.
I miss the fun that goes with seeing people.
There’s nothing I can easily do to change any of this. I need to learn to stop relying on others for my happiness. That’s changing something in me and therefore something I can control.
I’m not going to shy away from saying this; but I have started having darker thoughts again; wondering if life is even worth it.
It’s horrible to say this.
I thought I was past it.
I don’t know what’s bringing it back.
I’m just in constant pain and I can feel the numbness creeping into me again.
I am continuing to fight daily with it and it is exhausting.
I want to believe a lot of this is happening because I’m finally reaching the end of the divorce process and it will be ending sometime soon. I want to believe that once all that’s done and dusted, I’ll finally have some peace.
But right now, as I write this, I am teary eyed and feeling the pain of knowing that I will be divorced. I believe in marriage and what it means and I have to now live with the shame of being divorced even though I was wholeheartedly committed to it. The fact I have to be the one who files everything and pushes the process forward is killing me slowly and steadily. I never wanted this; so why do I have to go through all this pain whilst my soon to be ex-wife is out there living a brilliant life without this worry.
Life is so unfair.
Life is shit.
I don’t have to be though.
I know that.
I’ve written a fucking book on all of this! I’m going through edits on it now. You know what bothers me most? That I have genuinely considered that ending it all would be good marketing for the book. Fucking sick and twisted mind and world where something like that would actually work.
It’s a mess.
That bit at the end…
As I said; this one is a personal one so I’m not going to dwell on this bit too much.
You will have seen I’ve announced a new speaking tour with Squire Patton Boggs. I found out yesterday that two of the dates have been pushed back from October to next February. I don’t know the reason, but the point is that it will still happen, just later in the year.
I’ve also finished the first draft of ‘Life is a Four-Letter Word’. I’m now approaching publishers and working through my first revision. It’s pretty exciting and something that does keep me going, even when I feel as empty as I do now.
Finally, dscvr has its first customers! We’re making incredible progress each and every day and this is the next step on that journey.
My life is actually pretty fucking good. It just doesn’t feel like it!
Swings and Roundabouts!
Just another guy